Dear the University of Georgia:
I am very interested in the Athletic Director position that has recently become available at your university. I submitted my resume immediately when I saw your job posting online. I have a lot of respect for your institution and am excited to see an opportunity that vaguely fits my skill set.
After reading through all 18 Duties and Responsibilities you have listed for the role, I see that I may not be exactly what you have in mind. But I don’t think you should limit yourself to someone “who has considerable expertise in intercollegiate athletics management”. You should think more outside the box. I came up with a few reasons you should hire me:
- I will work for the same salary as the current lowest paid Athletic Director in the SEC.
- I will start wearing a top hat and eating my Hot Pockets with a knife and fork in an effort to help the university appear classier.
- I will change the school colors to: leather. It will increase profits due to fans buying new apparel and merchandise while simultaneously helping the football team carry out fake handoffs.
- I will assign an intern to daily log onto the University of Georgia’s Wikipedia page and add a new fact interchanging the University of Georgia with Chuck Norris (i.e. Crop circles are the University of Georgia’s way of telling the world sometimes corn needs to lie down.)
- I will strike a deal with TBS to edit all airings of the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story to have Ralphie say “the University of Georgia” rather than “Fudge.”
- I will never hire Lane Kiffin. Ever.
- I will not ask Mark Richt for his autograph.
- I have won 30+ college football national championships on Xbox. I also have some NFL experience via Madden ’08.
- I will change our mascot from Bulldogs to Dynamite, because dynamite always wins in Rock Paper Scissors. Also in Rock Paper Scissor, the sign for dynamite is the thumbs up, so now we have our new logo.
- I am overweight yet not obese. According to recent statistical findings, 34% of adults 20yrs of age or older are overweight and not obese. This essentially means I am a minority, and I am pretty sure hiring minorities helps you with your taxes or something?
- I will increase ticket sales for both the women’s equestrian team and the golf team, by combining their events.
- I will change the fight song to Top Gun’s Danger Zone and the alma mater to that song the Bayside Glee Club wrote for that school song writing competition.
These are only a handful of ideas that I was able to come up with during the last twenty minutes of my lunch break at my current job, there are plenty more where these come from if you only give me the opportunity. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Scott Moore (not the pregnant one)
PS. If you need references, I can mail you the memory card from my Xbox. Or possibly track down my old high school football coach. Which ever of those is more professional.
The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:
Dwight: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.