Dear PETA, My Bad.

We have been in the new house for about 4wks now. I still remember the first time we walked through the door as a family. I had John in my arms and LB was holding Ada’s hand, I opened the door, took a step in and then heard what I thought was a wild boar hog run across the ceiling above us. I let out a piercing shrill and dropped John to cover my head with my hands because I take the job of protector of my family very seriously.

LB and I looked at each other with unbelief. I knew what she was thinking just by the all the creases in her forehead: “Oh no, Scott, what have we done?” Just then the hog ran across the ceiling again so I answered with an affirming yelp of terror. After we calmed down, I called the landlord. I told her that I believed that our attic was housing a colony of displaced raccoons. She said she would send someone to look at it the next day.

They came, turns out we had squirrels. Or, my newest arch nemesis from the animal kingdom. First there was the hornet, then birds, and finally Goose. Now…squirrels. That’s ok, I’ve never liked squirrels anyway. I’ve always thought them to be quite devious. I hate the way they see you coming so they’ll hop up onto a tree and run around to the backside and peer around the trunk, as if now you can’t see them. Whatever, I CAN STILL SEE YOU, SQUIRREL!

One night while watching TV, I could hear him gnawing in our walls. That is when war was declared. I had a high powered spring loaded pellet gun and he had the ability to chew through my electrical wiring. It was going to be a fight to the death. Or, until my power went out. One of those.

The next few days I spent several hours in the backyard looking up into the trees, hoping to spot one of those tree rodents. I would make up reasons to go outside just in case our paths might cross. This went on for almost a week.

Until, that Sunday. We were getting ready for church when Laura Beth asked me to grab something from the car. I shuffled out the back door in boxers and flip flops and there he was. He was sitting on a branch RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I’m pretty sure he looked up and hissed at me. I didn’t want to lose him so I cracked the door back open and called in a whispered yell, “LB….get….the…gun!” It was very theatrical.

By the time she found the gun and got it to me, the squirrel had jumped a few trees over. I think he was scared. Though I’m not sure if it was because of the gun or me in only boxers and flip flops. Nevertheless, I had to hurry, a couple more trees over and he would have been in my neighbor’s yard and I wouldn’t have been able to take the shot.

I got down on one knee trying to mock that one little green army man that was fixated in that position. The squirrel was in my sights and right before I pulled the trigger I remembered the piece of advice Woody Harrelson gave Little Miss Sunshine in Zombieland: deep breath in and slowly breath out as you squeeze the trigger. It or worked or all those years playing James Bond: Goldeneye paid off because I nailed him. He fell straight out of the tree and never moved. And I didn’t even cry this time.

There was much rejoicing when I finally got Squirrel, but I think he got the last laugh. I’m pretty sure his partner/lover squirrel, no doubt feeling deep sorrow from her recent loss, committed suicide within the walls of our house. It is smelling nasty in our house right now. That’s okay though, that smell will be gone in a few more days and the squirrel is never coming back.

I’m just glad she didn’t commit suicide by electrocution.

Have you ever popped a cap?

The Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote.

Dwight: Michael you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a racoon devour a squirrel?